Emotional Intelligence: How Good Leaders Become Great — UC Davis Executive Leadership Program

Emotional Intelligence: How Good Leaders Become Great — UC Davis Executive Leadership Program

[APPLAUSE] So in preparing for this talk, I was actually talking to my daughter,
just the other day. And she said so, so daddy, how, what are
you gonna talk about? And I said, I’m gonna talk about emotional
intelligence. She said, so how do you, how do you start
these talks? And I was like, you know I, it’s different
every time. I, I always like to come up with something
new. I said we, how would you start the talk? So she said have you ever felt unseen? Unheard? Not understood? Well today that stops.>>[LAUGH].>>And I was like… That’s pretty good.>>Yeah.
[LAUGH]>>And it’s pretty good for a few reasons. One is that, I like the fact that my
daughter even knows what emotional intelligence means, and she’s ten years
old. And then I also like that it actually
demonstrates some of the emotional intelligence qualities. Which is that people with good emotional
intelligence, are able to know what they’re feeling. They’re enabled to know what there
experience is and know what they want to have be seen. They also know how to express it in a way,
that can engender getting seen and then they can also receive it. That they, when they are actually being
seen, they can take it in. Which is a little bit more difficult than
a lot of people might, might guess. So today, I’m gonna talk to you for about
a half hour, about how we can be more emotionally
intelligent, more aware of ourselves, and more curious about who we are. So that we can be seen, be understood, and
be heard. Okay? Now whenever I do talks, I like to start
with with intentions. Because I believe that by building sort of
an intentional contract with people, we are much better at being able to have a
meaningful relationship that can move forward. So, I wanna have that with all of you. And, even though we’re a large group we’re
gonna get intimate together, okay? So, we’re gonna start by all agreeing to
do these. Let me tell you what I’m asking you to do. So we’ll start with showing up. You’re showing up. You’re bringing yourself, you’re bringing
your body. And I want you to do that. I want you to bring all of yourself, your
thoughts, your feelings, your physiology, your behaviors, and your
values and beliefs. The paying attention part, is about being able to be aware of what’s
happening inside of you. Now, as a speaker, it’s always very nice
if you pay attention to me, cuz I’m speaking, but what I’m more
interested in, is for you to pay attention to yourselves. I want you to pay attention to all of your
thoughts and your feelings and what’s happening to you as we go through
the day. So as you might even notice, like right
now, I’m walking around. And you might notice that, like as I make eye contact everyone’s like
oh wonder if he’s looking at me. What does he want from me? And maybe you’ll notice you’ll have a
different thought. Maybe you’ll notice that you’re having a
physical reaction, maybe your heart rate goes up. Maybe you avoid eye contact, cuz you don’t
want me to maybe look at you, just pay attention to what happens to you,
as we go through the day. The third thing we’re gonna do, is we’re
gonna tell the truth. Now we’ll be asking you a few questions
but nothing that you’re gonna have to reveal. You don’t have to reveal anything you
don’t wanna reveal in here. The telling the truth is about, when you
go home tonight, can you say to yourself when you look
yourself in the mirror and say I, I am being honest with myself and I
was honest with myself today. So I’m gonna challenge you to be telling
the truth to yourself. The last thing, which I think is actually
the most difficult, is I’m gonna ask you to be curious about your judgments, rather
than just attached to them. So, many of you, are gonna have judgments
all the time. We are, we are judgment-making creatures. We have a lot of factors to us. One of them is that we make judgments and
assessments. Now, some people say I don’t judge. I don’t judge, but that can’t be possible,
because you have to make assessments and judgments in order to make informed
choices. So, all I want you to do today is when you
notice a judgement arise, just get curious about it. Huh, what’s that judgement about? Why am I thinking that? Because that might inform something you
hadn’t thought about before. Okay.
Now I can ask all of you to join me. How many of you will agree, that we will
stick with these contracts? I’m gonna do the same. I am going to also, I am going to show up,
pay attention, tell the truth, and I’m gonna be curious about and I’m gonna try
to do them in the right order this time. So can all of, let me see, I wanna see
hands. Everyone’s hands? Excellent. All right.
So we’re all in agreement. Very good.
All right we’re off to a good start then. This is what we’re gonna do today. We’re gonna explore our openness to change
and growth. Because if people aren’t open and ready to
change, they’re not going to. If your mind is closed and you have inside
of you a part of you that’s gonna sort of reject whatever comes your way, if you’re
a resistant learner, you can’t learn. So we’re gonna talk about how to open
ourselves up for change. Because all of you are gonna be leaders,
and you are leaders now, and we wanna figure out how do we help
people to change. We open them up. We create a space that engenders change. Then we’re gonna talk about how our
emotions and our perception affect our decision making. So by the end of this you’re gonna
understand that more effectively. We’re gonna discover three secrets to
managing our emotions, you’re gonna learn about what feelings
are, we’ll be defining them. And then finally you’re gonna understand
the importance of how self awareness impacts your performance as a leader. Sound good?
All right. So I usually ask if anyone here has ever
heard of Daniel Boorstin cuz I like to find out. Some of you must, have heard of him because I think some of
you were here before.>>[LAUGH].>>So Daniel Boorstin, I used to say, was
a famous historian, but the only people who have heard of him, are the
people who’ve been to my talks, it seems. He was the director of the Library of
Congress and is a historian. And he has one of my favorite quotes. I’m gonna give you my favorite quote at
the end of the talk. He says that the greatest obstacle to
discovery is not ignorance. It’s the illusion of knowledge. It’s not that we don’t know that keeps us
from growing and learning. It’s that we think we know and we close
our mind to what’s possible. Because human beings have a very
particular need. We need to know. We like to have answers. And when we don’t know something that’s
going to happen, or don’t know what’s happening to us we can
get scared. And when we get scared, we wanna get
secure again. And one of the ways we get secure is that
we build stories. We build stories and erect bridges of
knowledge to take us from the edge of not knowing, to a
place where we’re solid and know again. And sometimes in the process of building
that knowledge to protect ourselves, we’re actually not paying attention to our
surroundings. And we’re losing out on very important
information. That can again help us make more informed
choices. So by being open and by being curious, by
standing at the edge of not knowing. We can learn more, and we can grow more. But it’s a little bit, it’s a little bit
scary. It can be very vulnerable. So I’m gonna challenge all of you today to
be thinking about moments, when you think you’re gonna start creating
the answer before you’ve heard it. When you go back to just an automatic
response, to get curious. Sound nice? Okay. Cuz this is related to our perception. Because in general, and I’m gonna read
this for you, in general how we perceive and interpret
the world, determines how we adapt and cope, rather than the world itself. Now I suggest this generally. I think this generally is true. And I’ll give you an example. How many of you have ever been, angry from
seeing a movie, or reading an email. Let’s say reading an email. Have you ever read an email, as a result
of the email, you are angry. [LAUGH] Okay. All right. That makes sense. Everyone, everyone can agree for the most
part. Now, I’m gonna suggest that what made you
angry, are pixels on a screen. They’re photons, emitting from a light
source, hitting your retina, being interpreted by your middle
prefrontal cortex and your lymbic area and particular your amygdala, which causes an
appraisal of information, based on the perception that you have,
that is about your own history. Your own life experience. Your own genetic predispositions and in
particular your own perception. Because if you take someone who doesn’t
speak the same language that you speak or someone who doesn’t know how to read and you put them in front of that same
stimulus, that computer screen. And ask them, look at this thing. Look at this thing! They’re not gonna have the same response
that you have, because it is our perception that creates
the experience that we’re having. Now if a lion came in the room, my guess
is everyone here is gonna be scared. Right? We’re all gonna perceive that relatively
similarly. But if you were, like, a really great lion
tamer, you grew up with lions, you might not be
as scared as me. [LAUGH] Cuz I would be very scared if a
lion came in the room. Cuz you might know, look, I just move very
slowly. I don’t look at the lion. And I push the other person in front of
me, and I’ll be fine. [LAUGH] So the reality is, is that we have
to watch what we’re perceiving. And recognize that we, our perceptions are impacting how we’re
making choices, and who’s in front of us. Because the key today, is about how we’re gonna be making choices
based on the data that we’re gleaning. So I like to define my terms. So I like to define, so I like to define
emotional intelligence just to start. So emotional intelligence is a, I mean,
emotions are a mental state that arises spontaneously, rather than through
conscious effort. And it’s oftentimes associated with some
kinda physiological response, okay? Emotions just happen to us. They occur naturally. And they occur because of an evolutionary
function of the human experience. That we have developed this skill. This ability to perceive the world, in a
different way than a lot of other mammals, and certainly all the reptiles, cuz
reptiles don’t even have limbic systems. Limbic systems are where we have this
emotional part of our brain. Now the important thing about emotions
that they’re also very subjective. Now there are general emotions and we’re
gonna talk about that in a moment. But what triggers your emotions is gonna
be different than what triggers someone else’s emotions, particularly because of
things like our perception of them. But emotions are gonna happen to you, no
matter what. And for us to create this sense of, like, emotions don’t matter, is actually
missing out on our perceptual experience. So you’re gonna have emotions, no matter
what. Does anybody know what our four basic
emotions are? I wanna see if anybody remembers. [LAUGH] Anybody? Yeah, let’s hear it. [LAUGH] Happy, sad, mad and scared. Happy, sad, mad and scared, that’s right. Mad, sad, glad and scared. So, just like there are three primary
colors, which, by the way, I didn’t even know there were three
primary colors until I was about 35. When my daughter came home from from
pre-school, and said, I know my primary colors, I was like wow,
what do you mean? She said well there are only three colors
and they make up all of the colors. Which I know that there are different hues
and things like that, but for what she was talking about this
pretty much it, and I had no idea. I didn’t realize that is what is it what
yellow, blue and red? Mm-hm,.
Yeah, all right good. So yellow blue and red make up all of the
colors basically that we use, right? And I had no idea, but what I did know,
which I felt kind of good about. Is that we do have primary emotions. That there are four basic emotions. And there is some debate in the research,
I wanna be clear about it. Some people say there are six, and I’ll
tell you what the other two are. It’s surprise and disgust. Those are the other two that, some
research says are also primary emotions. But for the heuristic purpose of what
we’re talking about, and a lot of other research will support these
four primary emotions, are much of what you’ll need for all of
what you’re doing. Okay. That these emotions, make up all the
emotional experiences that we have. When you feel jealous, what do you think
is involved in jealousy? What is it?
I’m interested in people’s opinion. What?
[INAUDIBLE] Scared? Right.
You’re afraid that maybe your partner is going to leave you, or
something like that? Sad. Sad because sad is about loss. And so if someone leaves us we feel sad. Yes. Anything else? I think I might be a little bit mad right,
cuz like maybe this person will betray me. So let’s talk about what these emotions
are. So mad, is the experience of feeling like
something is unfair or unjust. Now I have heard people say, oh, I don’t get angry, just like the judgement
thing I don’t judge. I don’t get angry and I, my first reaction
is, so you never feel like anything is unfair
or unjust, in the world. Which to me seems crazy. Because I think a lot of folks who when
they hear the word angry, or anger, they’re confusing, a feeling and an action, and we’re gonna talk about that
in just a moment. But anger is the experience that something
is unfair or unjust, and unfortunately, there’s a lot of injustice
in the world. And sometimes when it rains and you want
it to be sunny out, you’re gonna feel angry because you wanted something
different and that can make you mad. Now, it might also make you sad. Because sad is the experience of loss. If we feel like we have lost something
that matters to us we will feel sad. If you were really excited about having a
wedding on a certain day outside and it rains. You’re gonna also feel sad. You might be angry at the heavens, cuz it
feels unfair or unjust, but you will also feel sad, at the loss of having
this beautiful day you were expecting. Any time you experience a loss, you’re gonna probably experience some kind
of sadness. Glad is when we get the things that we’re
looking for. When we achieve things, when we, when we
accumulate the things we want. When we have warm embraces, love, these
are all experiences of joy and gladness. And then scared, is when we have a
perception, that something we do not want to happen, is going to happen to
us at some point in the future. It could be one second from now, or it
could be a thousand years from now. But the experience of fear, is an
expectation that something bad is going to happen to us, at some point in the future. And those are your four basic emotions. Irritation, that is on a continuum of
anger. Frustration, I’m not mad, I’m just
irritated. Okay, I mean that’s on the continuum of
anger. You know, I’m disappointed. That’s most likely some sadness, possibly
some anger. Okay? So you wanna hear the three secrets, I
would imagine. Okay. The three secrets work like this. The first one is, we have to know what
triggers our emotional world. What triggers things like mad, sad, glad,
and scared. And I’d like, for just one moment, for all
of you to think as leaders. What is it that makes you angry? What makes you angry when you’re leading? What are like your buttons, as a leader? And I’d like someone to just throw out a
couple of ideas, of what makes you angry when you’re a
leader. I’ll give you one example from me. I think some of you may have heard this
before. When I’m running a meeting and people come
late to that meeting, I have a button, that I will probably have an initial sense
of irritation. What makes some of you angry? Just, like, know what your buttons are. I’m gonna give you all homework by the
way. Your homework is to write down, a
category, in each of these four, I want you to write down at least five
things, that fit in this category, of what
triggers you have. So what makes you angry. So, someone give me an example. Yes. Lack of openness to alternative
possibilities. Excellent. Lack of openness to alternative
possibilities. So a closed mind. Right.
If you experience someone who has a closed mind, that will irritate you. That’s one of your buttons. Yes? Not taking responsibility or being
accountable. Excellent. So a lack of accountability. Will make you angry. Excellent.
I’ll take one more. Yes. Being untruthful. Being untruthful, so dishonesty, will make
you angry as a leader. Do these all make sense? These feel kind of frustrating and
irritating. Okay. Your homework, is to go home and write down at least five things in each of
these. And it’s important to know what you like. Maybe it’s the opposite of these things. I really like people who are honest. I really like people who are accountable
for themselves. But really think about, what are the
different buttons that you have? The triggers to your emotional states. Because, the more aware you are of them,
the less control they have over you. So because I’m aware that I can get
irritated by people being late. Instead of acting on that irritation, I
can notice it and then I can slow myself down to recognize,
you know what? Maybe they’re late for a reason that is
very good. And before I start judging what their
reason is without knowing, I’m gonna create space to understand. But I am gonna honor the fact that I have
a reaction so that I might have to make a choice about doing
something that like saying, so would you mind just letting me know, you know, what,
what had you, what, what made you late? And maybe they had a sick child, maybe
they were stuck in traffic, maybe they had a car accident. Okay? But being aware of what those triggers are
will help. The second secret, is how do your feelings
manifest in you? How do they emerge in you? Now when I give, like, a three hour workshop I usually have
enough time to create a whole scenario and I ask for volunteers and they come up and
act it out. But today instead of having you all you
know, volunteer to come up, I’m just gonna do it really quick. I’m gonna pick a bunch of you, to come up
here and act it out and then we’ll do that
together. Okay? Okay, I’m not gonna, I’m not gonna actually ask anyone to come
up here, which some of you may have known. Because I just wanted to stimulate you for a moment, to feel what it’s like to have
some kind of stressor on you. So I apologize, if any of you freaked out. [LAUGH].
Okay, cuz you know that some people say that the
fear of public speaking or being in front of people is worse than
death. So I, I apologize if anyone feels like
they’d rather be dead right now. [LAUGH] You notice anything physically
happening? Anybody’s heart rate going up a little
bit? Anybody notice that they might avert their
eyes? Because they realize that oh, if he
doesn’t know my name and I don’t look at him, he can’t pick on me. [LAUGH] That’s a behavioral manifestation,
okay? If maybe you had thoughts, and maybe at
first you, you kinda were, you know, you were like, I mean, I think he’s a nice
enough guy. But then suddenly he’s gonna make me, oh,
this guy, I don’t really like him anymore. [LAUGH] Right? So you might have some anger, you might have a thought, you might have a
changed belief. One where you were like, I like this guy, to like, I don’t really like this guy
anymore. Being able to know how your emotions
manifest in you, will help you to recognize what you’re
feeling. Cuz a lot of times, our emotions will happen to us faster than
we cognitively are aware of it. Our limbic area and the amygdala in
particular. Acts so quickly, that we will have
emotional experiences before we’re cognitively, our middle prefrontal
cortex, can pick up on it. I will talk about that a little bit more
in a moment. Your homework, is to get really clear,
about how your emotions manifest in you. For me, when I get scared or anxious, it
goes right to my chest and to my stomach. I can feel a tightness here and I can feel
a queasiness in my stomach. And I know that I’m feeling anxious
oftentimes faster, by checking in with my body, than I do
when I check in with my head. So just pay attention to how that all
plays out for you. Finally, the last piece of the secret is
to know how to cope with your stress. How to manage your emotions. What are the ways in which you manage your
emotions? So when you become angry, do you withdraw? Do you become aggressive? Do you assert yourself? How do you play it out? When you feel overwhelmed, do you go
exercise? Or do you have a drink? What is your repertoire, of self-care
skills and the ways in which you manage yourself. This is your other homework assignment. I would encourage each of you to have at
least a list of ten things, that you do when you get activated
emotionally and what you do to take care of yourself in
those moments. Whether it’s exercise, eating well, breathing, which is probably the best
thing you can do to regulate yourself. Is to have a very good relationship with
your breath and abdominal breathing is one of the best
ways to do it. And if you haven’t, if you don’t know what abdominal breathing
is, I encourage you to YouTube it. You can find it anywhere and come to
another workshop and I’ll teach it to you right there. Okay. Now, you have your three secrets, so lets find out what emotional intelligence
is because I think you’re ready for it. It’s very simple and it’s very complex. So I, when I was in graduate school, I was
lucky enough to work for the Consortium for Research on Emotional
Intelligence in Organizations, and I was co-author of a book called Promoting
Emotional Intelligence in Organizations. And we looked at emotional intelligence
training programs, that were implemented in organizations
throughout the country. And they used controlled studies to look
at, if someone goes through an emotional intelligence training program
and they go through a control group. Will they actually show any kind of bottom
line benefits? And the results were, that when people
were trained properly, they did show bottom line changes in
increased productivity, decreased absenteeism, decreased worker’s
compensation grievances. These were bottom line effects, and this
is the key to it. The ability to make healthy choices based
on the ability to identify, understand, and manage your own feelings
and the feelings of others. So it’s really being able to understand
what your emotional experience is, to be able to understand other people’s
emotional experience. And then to be able to use that
information to inform choices. Now there’s a more complex definition,
which is that there are four domains of emotional intelligence that encompasses 19
competencies. Now there are a number of different models
and I’m using the model that we were using for
this book. And you can basically, I’ll tell you the
four domains. The first domain is self-awareness. Self-awareness is the ability to know your
own internal resources, to be aware of your emotional states, like your four
basic emotions, your ability to know your strengths and your limitations and to know
your own self-worth and self-capabilities. Self-management is another domain. This is the ability to control impulses
and to manage your internal resources. This is things like impulse control,
adaptability, flexibility, accountability. Then we have social awareness. Social awareness is the ability to read
social cues in others. Things like empathy, things like service
orientation. So when, or in mentoring. So if you have someone that you’re leading
and that you pay attention with, with concern and interest in what their
developmental needs are. These are people high in these
competencies around social awareness. And then finally relationship management. Bless you. Relationship management is really about
how we induce desirable behaviors in others. This is around conflict management. And leadership. So the ability to collectively create
bonds and collaboration. So clearly emotional intelligence is both
a simple thing and it’s also a very complex thing. And for today, if you leave here knowing
at emotional intelligence is the ability to use your own emotional
knowledge of yourself and others, to inform healthy choices. You’ve got it. Because I said that self awareness is the
most important thing I just wanted to go through four primary points. The first is that, we want to know that
the difference between a thought and a feeling versus an action. I’m gonna say something somewhat
controversial. I believe it is okay to have murderous
rage towards your children. How many of you think that is a horrible
thing to think is okay to have? Nobody does because you’ve all had it. If you’ve how many of you have ever had
kids? Okay. So thank you you’re all with me then. If you’ve had a child most likely there
are some weird people who haven’t had this experience, I don’t
know… But that there are times where we are
gonna feel furious at our children. But I have never, ever killed one of my
kids. [LAUGH] I’ve never acted on any of these
kinds of anger, rage, in any way that has physically
harmed my kids. Thankfully, thankfully. I get how it’s difficult though. Because it takes impulse control. Because we have emotions. But there is a difference between having a
feeling and having an action. When we get sad, we can feel sad, but
withdrawing is an action. When we are angry, we can feel angry. But aggression is a behavior. That’s an action. And there’s a difference between yelling
and screaming at someone when you’re angry, than telling them in an assertive
way how you feel, and how it’s bothering you, and what you would like the behavior
to be different in the other person. So there are differences between feelings
and actions. And being able to be aware of your
feelings and owning the fact that you could possibly
have murderous rage towards someone you love more then anybody else in the world
helps. Because when you own that, you’re less
likely to be controlled by it. Because you can start making choices when
you start realizing, Oh I’m having that rage again. You know what, I need to take a step back. I need to breathe. Because I know that this is just a feeling
and I don’t have to act on this. It creates more freedom for us to live. Second thing is recognizing that others
are mirrors for ourselves, what I wanna encourage all of
you to do is to think about what is your role in any
reaction you have to another person. If you find someone irritating, what is it
about you that is finding them irritating? You have a role in every perception you
have about other people. And the challenge is, what is going on
inside of you that might be contributing? And I’m not suggesting that these other
people aren’t pains. Or they aren’t bothersome. What I wanna challenge you on, is, what is
your piece of it? Because you’re perceiving them in some way
that is adding to it. If you put 100 people in a room, and line
’em up, and ask ’em to have the same response to
someone else, it’s gonna be very different, as we talked
about before, in perception. So what’s your role in it? [BLANK_AUDIO] Neurobiology. The neurobiology of authenticity. So there is a field of research called
interpersonal neurobiology. Danny Siegel out of the University of UCLA
has done some research and has synthesized a lot here. What we’ve discovered is that humans and
mammals, social mammals. Have these parts of our brains called
resonance circuits. Mirror neurons in our brains that pick up
on subtle non-verbal cues from other animals. And humans are animals. So we will pick up on emotional reactions
of other people sometimes faster than we can
cognitively pick up. So when you experience someone who you
feel like is saying all the right things, but something about you doesn’t buy into
what they’re saying, you feel like there’s something about this
that doesn’t feel authentic. It is most likely you picking up on their
subtle non-verbal cues that are incongruent and inconsistent with what
they’re saying. And you can actually feel that. By paying attention to our own emotional
reactions to other people, we can glean data that we can’t pick up on
just cognitively and intellectually, cuz people can, can really
say good things. But you can sometimes feel when it’s
really not right. And sometimes we need to trust those guts. And sometimes we need to check what’s our
role in this. Is this person just reminding me of my
father, who is, you know, an unfaithful, uncaring kind of person? It depends on your own, your own history,
and your own perception. And the challenge of today is to build
that self awareness and that curiosity so that you can hone your
own tool as a leader. To be able to manage this most
effectively. Finally, it’s to develop a personal
mission statement. Now some of you have been in my, in my
talk before, so some of you have done it. But how many of you here have a personal
mission statement? And in particular, a mission statement as
a leader? How many of you have a mission statement
as a leader? Okay, great. I am on a mission to have every leader, every real leader, have a leadership
mission statement. And every person to have a personal
mission statement. Now let me tell you what this is. This is a set of guiding principles of why
you do what you do. What are the reasons why you are a leader? What are the values and beliefs. And your sense of purpose and meaning that
drive you to do what you do. Because when we’re leaders, we are inspiring others with a vision that
we have based on our task at hand. And the more clear you are about your
vision and your mission, the more authentic you’re
gonna be in your delivery. And the more people are going to naturally
feel connected to your message and connected to what you want of them. So, I want to challenge all of you, if you
haven’t already done it, to write a leadership personal mission
statement. Either one, preferably leadership. This is a leadership talk. And, if you do it, I would like you to do
it and email me you did it. And, if you do, I will send you back a
very encouraging and supportive email. It will be personalized. It will not be generic. You do not have to give me your mission
statement, you just have to say that you did it. And I encourage you to do it by 12 o’clock
tonight. Because you’re about to go either on
vacation, or it’s the weekend, and if you don’t do it
tonight, the chances are gonna drop dramatically
that you’re not gonna do it. So by 12 o’clock tonight, I’d like you to
do it. How many of you are gonna do it? Raise your hand. You promise to be authentic, so don’t say you’re gonna do it if you’re not
gonna do it. Raise your hand, I just wanna see your
hands for a second, just so have some sense. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven,
eight, nine, ten, eleven. I expect eleven emails by 10 o’clock
tonight. That would be your accountability factor, otherwise we’re gonna have some people who
are gonna be angry. By 12, did I say 11? 12!
12 o’clock tonight. [LAUGH] 12 o’clock tonight. All right, very good. So what have we done today, in this
wonderful half hour? We’ve talked about keeping an open mind. OK. We can’t do anything unless we have an
open mind. So we’re gonna keep an open mind. We’re gonna pay attention to our
perceptions. How are we perceiving the world, and what
impact is that having on us? We learned today that emotions inform
healthy choices if we pay attention to them. That’s what emotional intelligence is. Is we use our emotions as data to inform
choices. You know your four basic emotions. They’re so easy, mad, sad, glad, and
scared. It’s almost like it rhymes. Right?
Mad, sad, glad, and scared. If you remember this, you will never not
know what to say when someone says how do you feel, you can just stop and go I, I
think I feel sad. I think I feel sad. Right now I feel glad. But I think you can do it. Self awareness is the, is the foundation
of emotional intelligence. Self-awareness is the foundation because
that’s how, where we get empathy from. It’s by paying attention to ourselves that
we can understand others. We’re the primary tool. As leaders, you are the primary tool, just
like a therapist. I’m a psychologist. I am my own most important tool in working
with people. And as a leader, you are your most
important tool. We wanna learn. How to have a personal mission statement
and in this case a leadership mission
statement. So you’re gonna lead from that, when you
do you’re gonna be more authentic. Modeling emotional intelligence in
yourself will affect other people. It will, it will model for them and they will have someone to live by
and that has an impact on other people. The research shows this. And I also encourage you to take breaks,
to manage your stress, and to have fun and I’ll leave you with my
favorite quote. When we feel good about ourselves, we have
more to give to others. Now despite the fact that it’s my quote I,
I actually really like this quote because it
just feels so true and important for us. And especially for people who are leaders and really
high-functioning folks like yourselves. We can work so hard to take care of other
people as leaders. And all of you work so hard to take care of your company, your
families, yourselves. But if we don’t take care of ourselves
first. We can’t be there for other people to do
it a sustainable way. So I wanna challenge all of you to rethink
what it means to take care of yourselves and to have self care. And to consider how important that is, so that you can give so much more to others. You’ve been great, thank you so much. [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC]

100 thoughts on “Emotional Intelligence: How Good Leaders Become Great — UC Davis Executive Leadership Program

  1. Congratulations to the producers who put this talk up: no intro, no yards of persiflage.  It just starts with the talk.  well done.

  2. Greetings from the state of hawaii, uc davis , You may be surprised if you watch my youtube show, Prince John Internet TV. 

              I talk about relationships, communication, emotions, sexuality, politics, and experiencing JOY!

  3. Great talk, pure about the mechanism of perception process. Ultimately my perception has `filters` that convert certain life events into emotions I understand as negative feelings or anxiety. My mission statement is `love people for what they're not, its your self reflection in some ways, to love self is to love others and to love others is to love self (love as an unconditional acceptance regardless sex, race, age and standings…) p.s how could possibly someone dislike this, its academic (its not some peoples cup of tea) but its genuine and its very good.

  4. This is fantastic and very informative presentation especially for me as a Trainer on Leadership in Kenya.  Keep it up.

  5. Great talk on Emotional Intelligence that gets to the heart of the matter of "How I manage the existence of myself." One quote I think would be very helpful is Victor Frankl's quote, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.  In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

  6. I'm not directly partisipated at your speach but I do really love watched your video and really appreciated that.
    Thanks a lot for  great acknowladgement share.

  7. Great talk by UC Davis. There is so much we can achieve in changing ourselves for the better by just making time of self introspection and being more reflective on our thoughts and behaviors. How do I feel about this right now ? Why do I feel as such ? Could I feel differently about the same thing or experience ? If not why not ? That's my take away from this talk

  8. Is it possible to email Mr. Adler a personal/leadership mission statement (29:40ish in video) if we have not been through one of his lectures?

  9. Thanks. This gave me more ideas on my dissertation which is basically based on emotional and social intelligence in various types of school principles. Five stars!!!

  10. Great! This video is so insightful I really enjoyed watching it. It has a lot of good ideas that we can learn. Thanks! 🙂

  11. Perhaps one of the worst speeches on leadership I'd watched. Negative from the beginning to the end. I guess Mr Psy.D., CGP, doesn't even realise. Just a hint. '…using to their your advantage'. You have any idea what negative subliminal message this word carries? It's like telling; "I will (take) have an advantage over you.

    He didn't even connect to his audience, except, making them laugh a few times when he, desperate for keeping the audience awake, said something funny that wasn't even – funny, because it was – 'not sincere.' It's like holding up a sign to the audience, reading; "Laugh and clap, …3, 2, 1, Now".

    A typical position leader who has the right to tell what he want's me to do, because of his titles. But I don't follow titles, nor positions. So I wouldn't even hear what he thinks he needs to say.

    I feel sorry for him, because he seem a nice guy. He's just in the wrong position, acting for money, but certainly not serving people. Big difference!

  12. Leaders don't tell what they want, unless they are position leaders. Hardly anything they get is of value.
    Leaders ask.
    If you are emotionally intelligent enough to understand the profound difference, you'll develop your leadership to build real followers round you.

  13. Very helpful and informative. Our emotions happens faster than cognitively we are aware of it. Great work.

  14. Instructor Mitchel Adler discussed emotional intelligence really well. I learned a lot things about emotional intelligence

  15. Clearly this individual knows nothing about leadership. There is a vast difference between emotional experience and leadership. It matters not if the people you lead like you or agree with you. All that matters is are you true to what you say (an example) and when the chips are down can they trust that you will follow through for them. People don't care if under pressure you may become short or terse with them. For goodness sake they expect that. But what they most certainly need and rely on is that when the shit hits the fan, you will rally them together and lead them from the front to victory. Do this and they will follow you for the rest of their lives….!!!

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  17. There's 2 primary emotions, not 4, that build up all the emotions.
    Feeling good or bad. And we are all driven by pleasure and pain. This not to knock your teaching but something to think about. Good job by the way. Look up faster eft. Robert Smith has developed the art of changing your primary imprints. The art of changing your memories, in return reconstructing your life from inside out. Developing real emotional intelligence.

  18. This was a great talk, however, 17-18 minutes into the video this guy in the back is just staring into the camera for a very long time. Creeped me out. Dr. Adler, you were great.

  19. Concise, informative, and well communicated!! This is a great intro to Emotional Intelligence with some great takeaways! Thank you <3

  20. Do natural intelligence boost system like Rotogenflux Methods really work and if so, how effective are they? I have heard many awesome things about this intelligence boost program.

  21. Your competitive advantage is the accuracy of how you scan the macro and how you make decisions. Awareness is the only sustainable competitive advantage. #a3r

  22. Secrets of emotional intelligence:
    “Recognize” that I am angry right now.
    “Why” am I angry ?
    “How” to cope with my anger ?
    This is exactly what Dalai Lama suggested too in the book of “How to live a happy life”.

  23. With all due respect, this speakers goes to all the places at his speech too often, too quick. And, if you want to be a firm and affective leader, your emotions need to be kept in thier place where they belongs – with your loved ones, family, close friends or complete strangers whom you aren't working with. You cannot possibly shut an office/company door just because one of your employee's cat/hamster or a lizard passed away. Got the idea? Cheers.

  24. Why do I keep repeating
    The same thoughts over and over? It's involuntary, as though I don't have any control.
    gets annoying at times.

  25. I did not often heard of EI but now that I listened what it is I must say thst it is the full consciousness of every aspects of his " being " when he or she is fully manifesting itself in all its activities (physical emotional mental psychic even spiritual ) in other word we call that " real wisdom " because it describes what spiritual people mean . by the word wisdom and it corresponds to a state of consciousness close to illumination !! in spiritual circles .the first ingredient absolutely necessary to progress in this direction is to be honest to be true with your intimate relationship with yourself and consequently with others .there is no charisma without honesty !!

  26. GOOD my dear yeshwanth it is wonderful , you have done and your style of speech and your body language really is very impressive.
    Nice too.

  27. Breathing technique.. abdominal breathing.. heart rate variablility(HRV) allows the parasympathetic (braking) system to kick in.. getting heartrate and mind to getting into synch.. also crossing arms and legs.. hemisych.. sdychronizing the 2 brain hemispheres. Also the half smile.. triggers dopamine release..

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