When Sex is Difficult

When Sex is Difficult


I’m not what you’d expect from a guy. You know, I’m not one of these guys that you see in porn or something, going at it for hours and hours on end… I’m not like that. Uh… It took me a long time to actually say it: I find sex tricky. I’ve felt weird about sex my whole adult life, I think. I think what I want to do, or maybe what I don’t want to do, is sometimes exactly what I’m expected to do, in my head anyway. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I think when you’re younger, you just go along with it, you just try and treat it casually, but it’s never really felt “me.” I think if there was a porn that was designed specifically for me, it would be called, something like, “shy porn” or something. You know, something, basically, porn for people who are a bit hung up about sex. My ideal porn… Well, the guy… I think the guy would be… The guy would ask the girl if he could touch her, and I think she… I mean… They would like each other, but there would be this skill and this kind of conflict, and… I don’t know. That’s how I feel about sex. I had a dad who was really macho I didn’t really get on with him; he kind of rejected me. And… I suppose I rejected him back. And since then, I’ve just been really uncomfortable with the idea of, you know, that masculine, high-powered, sort of turbo-charged masculinity. My mum’s life was messed up by men. Maybe that’s where it comes from. For years, I’ve struggled. I even tried it with girls, and that’s fun, but it didn’t really feel like a solution. I think what I don’t like is the loss of control I think I’d like to hide my discomfort, maybe, but my body always gives me away. Yeah, and you know, you can’t really… Sometimes your dick just isn’t up for it, right? [Laughing] It just isn’t up for it. Sorry. [Woman] When we met, we were both, just I think, both at our lowest points, so that’s why we could be really honest with each other. [Man] Yeah. She was the first person I could be really, totally up-front with from the get-go. I think, actually, I said to you, “I find sex quite daunting, and I might get impotent.” Can you imagine? This is a real turn on. [Laughing] [Woman] But it was, and that’s the thing: it was him being really honest about something like that that made me kind of open up. It was that date, actually, after, when we were making tea in the kitchen. Well, I told you that I suffer from vaginismus, which is a disgusting word, but it’s basically this thing where… It’s when you get too tight during sex. It can make things really difficult because like nothing will go in. And, well, I’d never really told anyone that, but once I did, it was like a massive weight had lifted. [Man, agreeing] And because we could be completely honest with each other, it was really good. [Woman] It was the best it had ever been! [Man] And then we have sex all the time now. It’s probably not how most people have sex. You know, we think of it as sex for people who are a bit fucked up about sex. But, you know, we might do something like: we might take it really slowly, or we might just watch each other touching. Or explore… some sort of fetish or something. [Woman] Oh, you’ve got this thing about doing it in public places, or, um, I don’t know, like, sometimes, you enjoy just watching me. [Man] Yeah, sometimes I do enjoy it… That’s probably enough… [laughing] Yeah, basically, people will think this sounds really weird, but it works for us. Our Sex book explores how sex truly operates, demonstrating that: far from thinking about sex too much, we haven’t begun to think about it nearly enough.

100 thoughts on “When Sex is Difficult

  1. Thank you for watching, please remember to subscribe to our channel for more ever week. Or download our ios app for daily content: https://bit.ly/2GMl2zL

  2. Sex is difficult when you're a lesbian pretending to be straight, having horrible sex with men, and then blaming men for their sexual short comings when they really should simply be dating other women.

  3. You can tell a TON just by looking at their body language. Shy, uncomfortable, cage. They have unresolved issues clearly (I’m a psyche major). Really, it’s best to wait and find the right person you can relax with, feel safe, and above all be yourself. It’s that simple. Physiology has tackled these obstacles (not issues – not problems) for decades. It’s perfectly natural given certain personal histories and personalities. Be yourself, don’t fear change, and eventually adapt. It all comes together once you find the person that lets you do those things.

  4. Hey the two of you! You are both G-R-E-A-T-H !!! There are always people who sympathise with what you are saying and I am one of them… slow sex is just awesome! Touching each other is also awesome!!! 🙂 Just watching her is awesome too !!! What I really like here is your honesty!!! Both of you!!! And I bet that there are plenty of others like the two of you and like me !!! LOVELY! 🙂

  5. Sexual compatibility is important in a relationship, no such thing as "weird sex" if you're both enjoying it and no one is getting harmed.

  6. These two's problem is they were shamed and oppressed sexually with religious guilt. All these side issues come from that shit.

  7. Also an individual's relationship to porn is an important factor these days for one's sex life. There is definitely a correlation between watching too much and temporarily losing the ability to function properly… down there.

  8. Thank you so much for being open and vulnerable over the internet like that! You two are both brave and beautiful souls and I am deeply grateful that you chose to share your story with us. Thank you, thank you! ❤️

  9. Get to know yourself, your likes and dislikes, and then find someone who's accurate 4 you, someone your compatible with, that's the whole point, if it's sex or any other part of a relationship

  10. I'm very surprised that the comments are mostly people comfortable with sex :O I agree with the video peoples!

  11. I love the fact this video is raw and honest. Sex is one of those learning curves we have when we become adults and learn a lot about ourselves. Whether confident or not. As much as it the physical act it’s still very emotional as well connecting with someone and being vulnerable that you wouldn’t normally share with most people. And with any learning it’s not at all perfect. There are moments your not quite sure about and others your like surprised you enjoy. And you have to figure out what’s good for you and what you like. I think most people can relate to that. That journey of self discovery and it’s not going to be like someone else’s because it’s individually your own experiences.

  12. Yeah to me sex is kinda difficult no since my toddler can't get far away from my wife. Yep sometimes porn is easier

  13. I'm really happy for this couple! I feel like, if I'm just going to have sex, I'll watch a porn and take care of the biological function myself. I'm more interested in someone who is interested in me for me. Unfortunately, that person hasn't come about yet and, if she has, it was when I was not able to truly take advantage of it. That's life.

  14. Hello! I’m a FAN watching from Veracruz 🇲🇽 MEXICO! Just LOVE The school of live! I have been unsuccessfullly traying to find out where to buy the book that’s mentioned at the end of this video… could somebody help! I’ll use to do my community service, so you will be helping me to help! 😉

  15. Honesty and communicating your deepest fears with the one you trust can only guarantee a happy and fulfilling relationship. JMHO.

  16. It is a full on miracle that these two found each other. I like the narrative the channel is using to teach us to unwind about our sexual fears, but it ends up being quite cruel – look around you: finding a partnership like this is one in a billion. For one, I'd imagine 90% of other women would have written this guy off completely at 'sometimes I don't get an erection'. What this channel should be reminding us (and usually is pretty good at it) is that all us here in the comments, watching this and getting high on introspection, are never going to find a partnership like this.

  17. It's because in this hyper sexualized world many more than one would think are sexually abused in one form or another, on top of that a majority are nurtured with from a religious standpoint that sex is only for making babies.. & moreso awkward as men become more and more feminine this day and age. .. perhaps this planned breakdown of masculinity will cause me to repopulating the world. Lol

  18. My crazy ass parents raised me from childhood that sex is wrong, evil, only for making babies…. decades later I am still struggling to de-program myself.

  19. Nicholas Audsley… holy god… I haven't seen him in years. I love this discussion, so refreshing and comforting to hear people my age be frank about finding sex difficult. I feel so much better about my own sex hang-ups now. If everyone could have an honest discussion about how they view sex, we would all no longer feel shame and embarrassment surrounding sex. Nicholas is still gorgeous and he and his girlfriend, are lucky to have found one another!

  20. No one ever talks openly about vaginismus. Its caused me so many problems with partners a lot people dont know how to react to it or truely understand what it is. So it does make me happy when it is brought up in the media cause I dont feel as alone.

  21. I've always thought Sex is overrated. Then again, most people tell me it's better if you have it with another person…

  22. I have never enjoyed sex and find it a total obligation, and yet I do it rather often. I can't find anything that actually satisfies me, I think I may be asexual? but I'm not sure because I don't really mind it, its just a non entity to me

  23. I think this might be favorite video of The School of Life for its simplicity and gentle, but raw form.

  24. I personally prefer to cuddle and sleep the night together with a woman, for me sex is great as well but I noticed lately that I have had more of the latter than the former.

  25. Pornography is such a bad source of information and since it’s never elaborated during sex ed, many teens rely on those visuals whilst it is not two people having sex on camera, it is the acting out of visual stimuli for the “majority” of men. These stupid ideas that men can turn their dick and off or that their dick should be 25cm long, it’s absolute bullcrap. A woman can’t even orgasm vaginally, no one naturally makes those loud sounds. Women only lubricate 10% of the time that they’re mentally aroused and the vagina doesn’t even properly open without -/+ 20 minutes of clitoral stimulation. And it is perfectly normal for a man to orgasm before a woman does! Women take on average twice as long to orgasm as men do. The famous “G-spot” is not all the way to the back of the womb! It is quite near the entrance to the upper wall, it’s the internal connection to the clitoral organ (which is not just a 1 cm button fyi, it’s about 8 cm long). And not every relationship works in the way that the man needs to be this macho being that takes control and make a woman orgasm in under 10 minutes, control should be balanced according to individual preference. We all feel insecure at some point and that’s ok.

  26. Books are nice, even in today's society many individuals such as these two haven't had the information, ability, and/or opportunity to understand "Sex"

  27. To be completely honest that was rather confusing. The whole time it sounded like they were saying “I definitely want sex but my body just shuts down at the idea.” Which I imagine means you’re generally uncomfortable with physical touch but you still want it? What a mess. Here’s my perspective, I’m single, alone, virgin and trying to push forward in life. I don’t want sex, what I want is to connect on a physical level with someone so deeply, not only do we be wallow in it, but it nearly creates a beacon of addiction due to how much of a comfort it physically and mentally provides. That may very well mean no intercourse, who knows. But it still stands that someone would need to be found that I trust the world of. When you find someone closer to you than your best friend and therein lies a gender preference? That’s what I’d push for. With me though I don’t even have many friends so it’s definitely gonna be a while. 😅

  28. I love this … this is so honest …beautiful….I'm happy to see I'm not the only one that feels this way….awesome video

  29. I suffer from vaginismus as well. Probably due to the abuse I suffered as a child. These two have something special if they can be that honest with each other.

  30. Sex is honestly the most overrated thing in the world.
    If it wasn't for the fact that guys are seen as losers for not getting laid, i'd get absolutely nothing out of it.

  31. I don’t experience any of these difficulties because I have been celibate my whole adult life (it’s still just the beginning). Anyone else celibate/sexually abstinent? Sex is of no importance to me and I don’t think it should be!

  32. I'm just frustrated with people's expectations of being this jack hammer (sex like a rabbit) who can run as fast as the can for more than 20 minutes. Also. I'm frustrated with people that want to compete with porn, and don't know that it's not real, it's choreographed, edited to look continuous 2 hours was only 10.

  33. I think all too many of both men and women are victims of the "go along with it" mentality that is currently almost obligatory. I in no way support old fashioned moralistic or shaming attitudes about sex for either gender, but I do think we need far more support for the idea that we should all be allowed to be authentic about our particular desire (or lack of) for sex in any given situation.

  34. WTF I'm only
    15 and sex is weird WTF WTF WTF …….. Sex is 👎👎👎😵😵😵💩💩💩😲 and people who made videos of sex delete them of YouTube I have little brothers that watch me play vids on YouTube and I don't want them to see sex so pls tell everyone delete all sex videos !!!

  35. Nothing is weird when it comes to sex as long you expess who you are and what you feel, providing your partner is open to your ideas. Actually most of the times, if it's not weird enough, you probably not doing it right. What that couple said they liked doing is completely natural and not at all weird!

  36. Sex isn't shame and guilt but something amazing and healthy just if we get rid of this religious and custom bullshit that makes us ridiculous. How to think more about sex?

  37. "We're fucked up about sex" – Yes, 'fuck' really is a wonderful word, so diverse! That years old internet word-joke meme is still ringing true.

  38. Need more of this! This was awesome! Especially for a generation who are wound up in the false belief that true happiness and pleasure is where sex is. I have always hated sex, and most times I have got myself in the situation I have tried to get myself out. And a large mate downstairs is probably more of a burden than gift, as it shifts the focus on what is actually meaningful. On the flipside, there are times you do want it, and if you find someone compatible and consenting, you go for gold.

  39. This is too relatable for me. I have vaginismus, too. I found out couple of months ago. Is the girl cured now? I hope it's not that hard to deal with

  40. Good video…I think these days we are driven to do things, and expect things that we see on TV, in books etc….There is no one size fits all when it comes to sex….its different for everyone….as we age desires lessen…hormones change….just something you need to deal with. I have spelt apart from my spouse of 26 years for over 5 years now….because we both snore and quality sleep was near impossible….We both like sleeping apart now, as we realize sleep is critical for good health and we have customized our sleeping area to suit our own needs.

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