Adam: It appears that some of the figures being used by Tory Think-tanks to justify Welfare cuts, don’t necessarily add up. For example, the Office for National Statistics this week announced that 51.5% of all British people claim more in benefits, than they pay in Tax. Now, that makes it sound like the majority of British people are scrounging off the state, until you realise the 51.5% includes retired people who claim the pension, as well as children, and further investigation shows that the benefits these people are taking include using the NHS, School meals, Rail travel I mean my God, not only do these blood suckers want to learn, they want to eat and be healthy and travel safely! And look in case next week’s budget uses these figures to justify massive cuts to Welfare, we’d like to present a parade of all the bottom feeders who’s benefit’s will finally be cut, cause they’re just sucking society dry like parasites. Bring out the first one! This is Lucy, Lucy is 10 years old, A lazy, leeching vessel of the future! (Audience Laughs) Who rather than cleaning out chimneys, chooses to wile away her hours learning at school! (Audience Laughs) HOW MUCH TAX HAVE YOU PAID LUCY?! NONE! SCUM! (Audience) SCUM! This is Albert, Albert is 87, He’s spent his life working hard, paying his taxes and will probably pay more tax when he dies. Johnny: YOU MAKE ME SICK! (Audience Laughs) Adam: And by the look of Albert, Johnny: GET SICKER! (Audience Laughs) Adam: Is Albert out working hard, contributing to society? Is he bollocks! He’s sitting at home watching Bargain Hunt and generally slacking off, WHAT IS HE? (Audience) SCUM! Thank you! This is Karen, Karen’s a nurse, who also happens to be a single Mum of three children. She earns £21,000 a year, pays £4,000 in tax, and according to our survey receives £12,000 in basic health care and education benefits. Do you work full-time Karen? Karen: Yes. Adam: WELL WORK MORE FULL-TIME! WHAT IS SHE? (Audience) SCUM! Thank you Karen, and this is a 19 year old Alex Brooker. (Audience Laughs) He’s not always been a successful TV host you see before you! Alex: I hope I lose my virginity soon. (Audience Laughs) Adam: I got bad news for you! (Audience Laughs) Johnny: I’m an MP! (Audience Laughs And Claps) Adam: Back when he was 19, Alex was studying to be a journalist He claimed disability benefits and he had no idea what he wanted to do with his future. There is no way this man will ever contribute to society, and no amounts of handouts will help him! Sorry about the term ‘handouts’… (Audience Laughs) It’s time you weed yourself of the states, go on with your own two feet and grew a pair! OF FETT! ALL TOGETHER NOW! (Audience) SCUM!