I have been playing Civilization full time, since 2010.
Haven’t made any money from it… uh, but that’s the government’s problem. Now, some of you might consider that
sad and depressing. BUT… Anyways, today I am going to show you how
to beat a standard Deity game, with Domination Victory only. First, you need to pick a Civ. There are lots of
great Civs to choose from and, uh… Wait… there’s a Canada Civilization?! WHAT?! Why would anyone want to play as Canada?? I’m going to pick Venice, because it is almost impossible to win a Domination Victory. But that’s just how good I am, and that’s the point
of the entire video — not to teach you anything, but to show off how amazing I am at Civ 5. I don’t want to offend anyone, so I have only
included nations that don’t exist anymore, but also fictional Civs, like the N.C.R. from Fallout 2, and Denmark, from the History Channel series, “Vikings”. Now, comes the most important part.
I am going to win this match… in 50 turns. (Chrono Trigger OST 37 – Delightful Spekkio) Our goal is to get the Colossus. If we do that,
it’s good game, I have won. But first, I need to find someone to
trade with, so I can boost my economy. (Chrono Trigger OST 37 – Delightful Spekkio) So, it would appear that I am alone on an island, uh… this makes this strategy… a bit harder.
Not impossible, especially not for me, and that’s the thing about Civ 5, it’s
mostly luck and no skill. (Chrono Trigger OST 37 – Delightful Spekkio) There we go, 13 more turns and
we’ve got this, game over. (Chrono Trigger OST 37 – Delightful Spekkio) Lester? Who the… Ottayvay? The fuck is an “Ottayvay”? Ohhh! …ohhh, this might take longer than 50 turns… (Chrono Trigger OST 37 – Delightful Spekkio) Apparently, this Lester guy heard what I said,
and decided to hunt me down, Liam Neeson-style. Most people would quit after an
AI develops consciousness. Not me, though. I am just THAT
dedicated to teaching. But, this might take… 100 turns now… Okay… haven’t won yet, but haven’t I won yet? I have a stable income, I have made friends with the Aztecs, and the Danish, and isn’t that way better than any victory screen? But don’t worry, I’m still gonna win.
But give me… 30 more turns. Not necessarily close to winning…
and I am still on the island… but I have explored the entire map, and that should speed up the game, like, by a lot. Good news, though! Canada has been
invaded by Hiawatha, so, uh… Lester shouldn’t be around much longer. Okay, so, Lester has consumed Hiawatha, and a bunch
of other Civilizations that stood in his way… Like some sort of Canadian Genghis Khan. Personally, still on the island, but I’m going to
take over the nearby city-state. (Chrono Trigger OST 28 – Lavos’ Theme) Never mind, that’s MENTAL, and maybe all of this time on the island is starting
to remind you of a certain TV series. Yes, but hopefully this playthrough won’t
have a disappointing ending. And the game has entered the Cold War. Evil Canada, and Songhai on the right, and my friends, Denmark, and the Aztecs on the left, and everyone has nukes. But I’m going to start a World War, because I’m BORED. My new strategy is to wait until there is only one Civ left, so I only have to worry about one enemy. Shouldn’t take that long. The game has turned into 1984, and I am still at war with the Aztecs, like I
have been through this entire video. (elongated moan) It’s been, uh… 34 hours? Uh, still optimistic, uh… it’s just a… never-ending three-way war. The Aztecs… are dead. Great… can’t be much longer now… It would appear… Denmark… is winning… I think that’s GOOD… because I want to see Canada… in ASSSSHHHHHH… (Chrono Trigger OST 24 – Ruined World) And there I was. Surrounded by Canadians, and about to make my
third reference to dystopian science fiction. But then I decided not to. Guys, I’m going to be honest with you, I can’t win this. Because I already have! There never was a Venice! I was Canada the entire time!! Baba Yetu, motherfuckers!